The Energy (and irony) of Fear
with Rev. John Riley

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The Energy (and Irony) of Fear

Last week I had you bring your tickets, your tickets of openness and curiosity, as we began this journey into the jungles of fear.

And we packed our bags. We packed self-awareness, self-compassion, and self-love. Yes? And you have that in the compartment above you or underneath your seat below you. It’s there with you. It’s always present and always available. So bring that with you.

We also asked you to bring one more thing. That’s something personal, a personal item of yours, something that you want to bring through this experience of journeying through this Fall Enrichment Program, When Fear Speaks… Listen.

What one thing do you want to work on? What do you want to get unstuck?

Is there a relationship? Is there a goal? Is there a thing in your life where fear might be holding you back? Or you just feel stuck. You may not know exactly what’s happening in your life, but you feel stuck with it, and something is holding you back.

This is an important part of the program because it’s in this place, something that’s really important to you, something that has a lot of juice for you, where fear typically shows up. That’s where fear is the loudest, because it’s the things that matter the most to us.

What Is Fear Trying to Protect?

Fear is a primal instinct, and when danger is around, it’s very effective at keeping us protected. Fear protects us in those moments.

But the challenge is that the fear alarm doesn’t go off simply because there’s a physical danger. Sometimes that alarm goes off in response to feeling uncertain.

That alarm goes off when we feel afraid that our livelihood might change, that our livelihood is at risk, or maybe it’s our career and our future may change.

Sometimes the mind has an imagination, and we are imagining this loss. And then from that, we are looking at all of the things that could go wrong in the future.

Our body feels the urgency of a threat that hasn’t even happened yet. We’re in that state of fear, in that triggered moment, and it’s causing us to do something right now to keep it from happening.

But what is it that it’s keeping from happening?

What’s the “it”? What is fear trying to protect us from?

That’s the big question.

What Are You Afraid of Losing?

Dennis Merritt Jones, in his book When Fear Speaks, Listen, says that beneath the fear, beneath all of that, there is a concern of death and a concern of loss. There’s some concern of loss that lives behind that fear.

Now, that may sound very broad and very sweeping. It may sound generic and general. But if you look a little deeper into that idea of What might I lose?, look at your reactions. Your reactions will show you that there’s much more to it.

Perhaps you’re furious at someone who questioned your work in a meeting. Beneath the anger is the fear of losing the respect of that person, of the people in the meeting, or even losing your job.

Perhaps you can’t stop thinking about a change in your life, a change in your family, a change in your situation, a change in your daily patterns. Beneath that worry may be the idea of losing a life that felt familiar, losing something that we’re used to.

Maybe you’re reluctant to tell someone what you really want. You’re reluctant to actually say, “Here’s what I need in this situation.” Perhaps there’s a fear of losing that love.

The situation on the surface may change. The things that are happening in our lives may change. But the fear that lies beneath it is often the same precious thing that we’re afraid of having taken away.

So whatever the situation out there, know that there’s a message for you in it. Look deeper and ask:

What precious thing am I afraid of losing?

Looking Beneath the Fear

“The only way to ease our fear and to truly be happy is to acknowledge our fear and look deeply at its source.”

— Thich Nhat Hanh

That’s what this journey is about. And today we’re going to learn the practice that will help us do this as we go through the rest of these weeks, as we look at the different faces and different ways in which fear speaks.

So the big question is:

When fear pops up, what am I afraid of losing?

If we take a nice deep breath when that fear pops up, in whatever form, we can say, “What am I afraid of losing?”

That takes us beneath the surface. That creates curiosity that takes us behind the fear so we can see what message is there and what it is we’re afraid of losing.

Instead of simply asking, “Why am I so angry?” or “Why can’t I let this go?” we can ask, “What am I afraid of losing?”

It can help us see what matters so much to us. It can help us discover that the loss we’re bracing for hasn’t happened yet. It’s something still in the future.

We may realize that we’re treating the possibility as if it’s a certainty.

Seeing Fear in Ourselves and Others

When we recognize this in ourselves, we might also become more curious about other people when they’re reacting.

We all have those people in our lives. And when we learn to look at ourselves and ask, “What might I be afraid of losing?” we can also wonder:

“What might they be afraid of losing?”

Now, that question doesn’t excuse poor behavior or anything that’s beyond your boundaries. We’re here to be safe. We’re here to create a healthy environment.

But having that question allows us to be more empathetic, more aware, and more understanding of ourselves in the situation and of the other person.

It may help us respond to the fear that’s beneath the behavior rather than getting caught up in our own reaction to it.

Seeing what we’re afraid of losing can be very revealing in our lives. It can be that “aha” moment: Oh, this is what this is about.

And it can also be a little uncomfortable.

It can become stressful if we start judging ourselves and bringing blame, shame, and guilt into the room.

This is a BSG-free restaurant. No blame, shame, or guilt.

We have enough of that in the world. We don’t need to be adding it to ourselves.

In the process, though, we may realize how much the relationship means to us. We may realize how uncertain we feel about our future. We may realize that what is driving this fear and our behaviors is a fear of loss.

Forget Everything and Run

Even when fear is trying to get our attention, we may do everything we can to avoid hearing it.

Jones has an acronym for FEAR:

Forget Everything And Run.

We’ve all felt that at one point or another. “Okay, here it comes again. Can I just leave? I’m out of here.”

Running can be easy to miss because the ways we run are varied. There are lots of ways we try to avoid the situation because they look so ordinary to us.

Maybe our thoughts get quiet and we pick up our phone and start scrolling.

Maybe we find ourselves in the kitchen again when we’re running from something.

Maybe we’re shopping online for that brief pleasure of something new.

Maybe we’re turning on another TV show. Maybe we’re binge-watching Ted Lasso again.

Maybe we’re saying, “Don’t worry about it. I’m going to think about it tomorrow.”

And then tomorrow comes.

“Don’t worry about it. I’m going to think about it tomorrow.”

Déjà vu.

When Staying Busy Becomes an Escape

Maybe we’re escaping by staying busy.

We’re escaping what the fear is by answering emails late into the night, by taking on someone else’s problem, or by doing something that we really don’t need to do today.

Some escape routes even look like we’re facing the fear. Some escape routes look like we’re actually working the problem.

We might research every possible outcome. We might rehearse every conversation we’re going to have in the future. We might keep asking people for reassurance.

Our minds are occupied with the problem, but we’re avoiding the feeling underneath it.

Name Your Escape Route

Think about your own escape. We all have one, and maybe we have a few that are constant companions.

We can notice the pattern: When I start getting stressed, I’m escaping by doing this rather than being present to what is.

You might give it a name so you can identify it as you’re going through it.

“Oh, there I go. I’m going down the rabbit hole.”

That’s not to make fun of it. That’s not to make fun of us. It’s simply to help us realize when we’re heading in that direction.

Here I go again.

No blame, shame, or guilt.

Instead, ask:

What don’t I want to feel right now?
What am I afraid of losing right now?

Now, we all need a brain break. We all need a time of comfort. We all need a time of rest. We all need to take a break from things.

In fact, later this afternoon, I might go back and binge-watch Ted Lasso again.

But if it’s a conscious, intentional decision, that’s one thing. That’s different from an escape.

The question you might ask yourself is:

How will I feel when I’m done?

Does the anxiety, worry, anger, judgment, or shame reappear? Is it worse than it was before?

That’s where the energy of fear ramps up.

The Whirlpool of Fear

I like to look at this as a whirlpool.

Think of it as a giant whirlpool in the ocean, and we’re the ship that’s trying to avoid it and getting caught in it.

A frightening thought catches our attention. And all of a sudden, that whirlpool kicks in within us.

We return to the thought around and around in circles by adding details, telling stories, blaming other people, rehearsing conversations, and looking for evidence that this imagined outcome is real.

We get caught in the whirlpool, and we get pulled down.

We make a decision based on it, and that decision gives the thought still more power and pulls us even deeper.

The pull gets stronger and stronger, and we give it more of our time and attention.

The Irony of Fear

And that’s the big irony of fear.

The fear began by trying to protect us from a thought, an idea, something in the future, or a belief.

The idea came up with the intention of protecting us from losing something, whatever it is we’re afraid to lose.

But when we let fear run our lives, fear can become the very thing that causes the loss.

Our fear is here to protect us, and yet when we dive into it and give it all this energy and power, when we let it start making the decisions, it can actually create the loss for us.

Law of mind action, maybe.

When we’re focused on that fear, not asking the question with curiosity, but focused on the fear itself, we start giving it all the details.

We’re afraid of failing, so we never begin the work that really matters to us. We’re afraid of losing something, so we lose the chance to discover what we’re capable of.

Think about a part of your life where you’re afraid of losing something and where fear is holding you back.

Ask yourself:

What is this fear trying to protect?
And what might this fear already be costing me?

From Fear to Self-Awareness

Fear can be strong, and so we need a way to recognize it before we find ourselves caught in that whirlpool. We need to recognize it so we can steer clear of it.

“Knowing others is intelligence. Knowing yourself is true wisdom. Mastering yourself is true power.”

— Tao Te Ching

That’s why we work on this.

We all have fears in our lives. We all have things that are coming up and distracting us and derailing us.

And those things that we have control over, we can take and master within ourselves so that we can live more fully, live more courageously, and move through life with more ease and grace.

The Seven Messengers of Fear

To help us with this, Dennis Merritt Jones names seven messengers of fear, the ways fear masks itself:

• Anger
• Worry
• Judgment
• Uncertainty
• Shame
• Selfishness
• Loneliness

And he gives us a new acronym for FEAR.

Instead of:

Forget Everything And Run

he offers:

Face Everything And Rethink.

That’s the practice we’re going to take on this journey.

Face Everything and Rethink

When we notice fear popping up in one of those forms, anger, resentment, jealousy, boredom, face it and notice that there’s something within you.

Ask it:

What am I afraid of losing?

We don’t have to face every fear in our lives today. We can begin in this moment.

We can go moment by moment.

Begin with one moment. Notice the escape route. Listen for the messenger. Ask, “What am I afraid of losing?”

Then take another look at the story you’re telling yourself:

• What do I know is real in that story?
• What have I imagined in that story?
• How do I want to respond in this situation?
• How do I want to act toward the people and possibilities I care about so much?

The energy we’ve been giving fear can go toward something else.

The energy we’ve been giving fear, we can give to love. We can give it to our spiritual strength. We can give it to our sense of faith.

This Week’s Practice

So this week, that’s our task.

Name your escape route and notice when you’re heading toward it.

Listen to the messenger and just keep showing up.

Ask yourself:

• What messenger showed up just before my escape route got triggered?
• What am I afraid of losing?
• What do I know is real, and what have I imagined?
• What would I choose if fear didn’t get to make this decision for me?

There’s your power.

That’s where we begin moving from:

Forget Everything And Run

to:

Face Everything And Rethink.

Affirmation

As I venture forward, I am ready, willing, and able to listen to the messengers of fear, knowing that I receive exactly what I need to know when I need to know it. My mind and heart are open wide as new wisdom floods in. I am free.

And so it is.

Power, Love, and a Sound Mind

Second Timothy, chapter 1, verse 7 says:

“For God hath not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.”

Let us tune in to the message that fear has so that we can tune into our own spiritual power, so we can allow that energy of love to flow, and so that we can move forward with a clear mind.