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5 Steps to Freedom: Learning to Listen to Fear

The closing message in the seven-week When Fear Speaks, Listen series at Unity Palo Alto Spiritual Center.

What If Fear Is Not the Enemy?

Seven weeks ago, we began a journey together. We packed our bags with curiosity, compassion, and a willingness to look at fear a little bit differently. We began with a question: What if fear was not an enemy? What if there’s something I can learn here and grow from here?

And over these weeks, we’ve discovered that the messengers of fear are not necessarily obstacles to our spiritual growth, but rather they’re encouraging our spiritual growth. They have something valuable to tell us if we listen.

Seven Messengers, Seven Invitations to Grow

Anger: Recognizing Our Boundaries

Today, we’re going to celebrate what we’ve learned, what we’ve experienced, and what becomes possible when we listen. We’ve met seven messengers. Each have offered us something worth considering, and here’s some of what you had to say. We’ll begin with the messenger of anger. Anger invites us to recognize that there’s something within us that, is missing, something that matters to us deeply.

It lets us know where our boundaries are, and it reminds us that we have something to say. Someone in our spiritual community said that, “When I feel angry, what I discovered is my boundaries have been broken, and then I realize I own my own boundaries. It’s up to me. And so I draw upon my own spiritual strength to express and experience and live into that boundary with love, to lean into that boundary with love instead of anger.”

Worry: Returning to the Present

The second messenger is worry. Worry reminds us to distinguish between what we can influence and what we cannot. It invites us to return to the present moment.

Someone said, “I feel that of all the seven messengers, the one who knocks on my door the most is the messenger of worry.

I worry about the people I love, especially my mom’s health.” “When I listen to the messenger of worry, what it has helped me to do is to understand how I want to show up with my mom. It reminds me that I don’t want to look back one day and regret that I didn’t give her enough love, enough attention, enough time.

It teaches me to be more patient, more loving, and more compassionate. Even though I can’t control anything that happens with my mom, the messenger reminds me that I should appreciate the present moment. The breathing exercise and grounding practices help me when I worry. It helps me to slow down, to calm my mind.

Dancing is another practice that helps me. I’m taking a Zumba class, and when I dance, I feel more alive, more connected to my body. I feel happy, and you can’t worry and be happy at the same time.” This is someone else. I did not take up Zumba.

Judgment: Discovering Understanding

The third messenger, judgment. Judgment helps us recognize the assumptions and comparisons that limit our ability to see ourselves clearly and to see others clearly. It invites understanding. When that judgment arises, what we seek is understanding. One of our community members said, “Judgment was the most relevant to me because I did not recognize how judgmental I can be.

Now I stop and think before I say something to see where I’m at and where I’m judging other people and their actions. I stop and think, is there another way I can look at this? And usually there is.” Another person said, I was soon to see family members with whom I’d had somewhat “difficult relationships.

Some longstanding critical thoughts about them came to mind.” Anybody have that experience in life? “I paused and I realized I didn’t wanna hold onto these grudges any longer, and I decided to release all the old judgments and they just melted. It was quite amazing. The visits we had were gentle and relaxed.

The simple act of pausing for a moment worked well. I felt my feelings and then questioned what I was afraid of losing.”

Selfishness: Reconnecting with Generosity

The fourth messenger, selfishness. Selfishness can reveal our fear of not having enough. It invites us to rediscover the abundance and generosity that is already present.

“Recently my husband had surgery and I was understandably immersed in caring for him and simultaneously for my daughter. We were well out of normal routines, and I had plenty of sleep deprivation. I felt quite overwhelmed. I began to implode and just couldn’t connect with the good in my life. Some envy and jealousy for those who have freedom and less on their plates, more discretionary time, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.

There was likely some whiff of PTSD that I was starting to experience as well. I missed a few of our small group sessions in the fall program, but when I was finally able to join one, one of the light bulb items in the study guide By the way, you should all have a study guide for today.

One of the light bulb messengers in the study guide said, “Put a note up where you can see it. I am enough. I am open-hearted. What’s in it FROM me? Use it before a meeting, a gathering, or a conversation.” In response to that cue, what’s in it from me, I moved to take two actions that started to pull me out of my funk and got my heart energy moving outward.

My cousin sent me a photo of my mother at age four or five when she served as the ring bearer for her mother’s wedding. It made my day so much. I was prompted to send my cousin a thank you card. I also purchased some beautiful butterfly garlands from our church bookstore

I didn’t add that to send along with the card as the butterfly has always been my cousin’s spirit animal. The second thing was, my daughter needed an MRI, and the process was difficult, and the MRI tech who spearheaded the entire effort did an amazing job, juggled his schedule to make it work, and he treated her with nothing but respect and patience as he went about his job.

When all was said and was done, he was fairly new and asked if I would, please fill out a Caring Moments Employee Recognition form, which I happily did and hand-delivered it to the appropriate office. Both of these acts showed appreciation, which was what was in it from me. What was in it from me enlivened my spirits and hopefully the spirits of the recipients.

These actions helped me to reconnect to the flow of love and gratitude, which enriches my life so much when I’m not blocked by the messenger of fear.”

Shame: Remembering Our Worth

The next messenger of fear, shame. Everyone take a nice, deep, cleansing breath. Shame challenges the stories that we tell ourselves. When we’re telling ourselves that we’re inadequate, when we’re telling ourselves that we’re not enough, that we’re not worthy, shame is that messenger of fear that’s lighting that message, that belief within us up so that we can heal it, so that we can bring that shadow into the light, so that we can acknowledge and know that we are spiritually worthy, we are spiritually welcome, we are spiritually whole in this moment. It invites us to remember our innate worth.

Someone wrote me to say, “Shame, this messenger has been speaking to me that I’m not enough, that I can never do enough to be enough. I recognize that shame, guilt, and inadequacy are a big part of how I view myself, and it helped me move away from that belief.”

It illuminated that belief and helped me move away from it. Prayer has helped. Also stepping back and letting God take the lead.” The idea, the act of surrender.

Loneliness: The Call to Connection

Loneliness reminds us of our desire for connection with ourselves, with others, and with the divine. During the COVID lockdown, fear was everywhere. Fear of getting sick, of running out, of the unknown. The pandemic was the great leveler. It didn’t matter who you were or what you did, we all were isolated, all uncertain, all in it together.

And in that isolation, I came to believe that loneliness isn’t something to push away. It’s the soul’s call to reach out to community, to reach out to groups, and to reach out to one another. I still have a post that I saved from my neighborhood Nextdoor feed. I kept it as a joke, but it became a reminder of what everyone was going through.

I have spaghetti and rice. Will trade it for toilet paper. It still makes me laugh, but it also says something true. even at our most afraid, our instinct was to reach out to a neighbor and say, “Here’s what I have. What do you need?” That’s the message fear delivered to me. We aren’t meant to go through hard times alone.”

Uncertainty: Opening to Possibility

And the seventh messenger, uncertainty. Uncertainty lies beneath all of these messengers. Uncertainty is kind of a subtle way of talking about fear. It’s kind of like, “Eh, I’m not afraid. I’m just uncertain.” Uncertainty invites us to loosen our grip on control and discover the possibilities waiting beyond what we already know.

Someone wrote me and said, “Uncertainty. It has supported me to move toward my belief around fear.” This particular messenger has been tricky one for me because it shows up around a very painful and difficult situation and decision I’m making.

Thus, I’ve had to be creative and patient with myself and my affirmation practice. I’ve had to trust the process of listening to my fear to move beyond worry and uncertainty when I’m able. I’m not always successful, but when I am, it looks like this: I slow down, I give myself the space to relax into the moment, and I feel my feelings.

And then on a good day, the affirmation will follow suit and will lead me toward my belief, my belief around a different relationship with fear.”

A Letter to Fear

The following letter was shared by a participant in our spiritual community.

Now uncertainty, loneliness, shame, selfishness, judgment, worry, anger, these are all of the seven messengers of fear. And fear even inspired a personal letter.

Fear as my friend, a practice of surrendering to truth and trust.

Dear fear, I have wanted to call you an enemy for so long that it does not easily roll off my tongue and is foreign to my thoughts to see you as a friend. But here we are after seven weeks of studying you, and I realize you are not my enemy.

You are the messenger that calls me to know myself deeper. To that extent, I have opened my thoughts and am willing to see you as a friend. May I be more aware of your messengers that cloak themselves in anger, worry, judgment, selfishness, shame, loneliness, and uncertainty, so that with curiosity and compassion, I can turn to them and say, “I am listening. Tell me, what is it you are afraid of losing?” Thank you, fear, for showing up and reminding me to surrender over and over and over again so that I may trust. Trust in the truth. I trust I am supported by an abundant universe. I trust I am worthy, loved, and enough. I trust I am the light, and that nothing diminishes that.

I surrender. I surrender so that I choose how my feet, my thoughts, my heart move through this life. I breathe into the truth and trust that the greatest moments of my life lie beyond fear as I lean into the flow of possibility. Thank you, fear. I am listening.”

Seven messengers, seven opportunities to grow, seven opportunities to lean into our spiritual practices and allow ourselves to be present to that Divine Presence within us that lies in back of all of those stories. And what I love about these is that all of these discoveries came out of ordinary moments in our lives, yes?

It’s the ordinary moments in our lives where we can discover where we are being hooked by our fear and come back to presence, come back to God. These are moments when spiritual understanding becomes spiritual living, and that’s the secret sauce of Unity.

Learning to Meet Fear, Not Defeat It

In part three, of his book, When Fear Speaks, Listen, Dennis Merritt Jones says, “We are meant to meet, not defeat our fears. We are meant to dance with our fears and to allow them to educate us, not frighten us.”

So I’d like to offer a way for us to do that today, and we’ve been talking about it in various ways throughout the seven weeks. but there are five simple steps that we can practice whenever one of those messengers appear.

You don’t have to worry about writing it down. It’s in your study guide. But instead of talking about it, why don’t we Unity this? Yeah. Why don’t we take a moment to, to put it into practice, shall we? Sure. Yeah. Let’s do it. How about a little more s- enthusiasm? I got two thumbs up out there. Yeah.

Shall we put it into practice?

The Five Steps to Freedom: A Guided Practice

Five simple steps that we can practice whenever the messengers appear. Notice, pause, listen and learn, open and affirm.

So let’s start by bringing to mind something that you are concerned about, something where there’s uncertainty. If you don’t have anything, just think two days from now on Tuesday there’s plenty of uncertainty to go around.

Where in your life are you feeling a little shame, a little loneliness, a little selfishness, a little judgment, worry, or even anger? Where is fear popping up and whispering to you, knocking on the door to say, “Hey, there’s something here for you, something here that you can learn and grow from and heal?”

Step 1: Notice

Step one, Notice.

I invite you to take a nice deep cleansing breath and close your eyes if that feels comfortable for you or begin to soften your gaze as we eliminate the noticing of the world around us. Letting go of the sensations and experiences of things around us and just tune into that one idea that’s bubbling up within you.

It might be a relationship, a decision, a concern.

Just breathing into it and noticing that it’s there. Notice what arises within you

Notice where it shows up in your body.

Just notice it, and whatever appears, simply acknowledge it and say, “I see you.”

Step 2: Pause

Step 2: Pause. This is the sacred gap between stimulus and response This is when we tune in to that Sacred Spirit, that Loving Presence

The flow of Divine Love, of Infinite Wisdom.

Give yourself permission to be here without needing to fix anything

Take a slow mindful breath

Allow yourself to be present to the presence of the Allness of life

present to wisdom

Present to peace

Step 3: Listen and Learn

Step three: Listen and learn

Gently ask the messenger, “What am I afraid of losing?”

Losing security or belonging, approval or control

I breathe and listen with curiosity, with openness. What story have you been telling yourself and is that story true?

What’s inside that needs attention, that needs your compassion, that needs your understanding and love?

Step 4: Open

Step four: Open

Imagine yourself making room for another possibility

What might you see differently?

What if you trusted yourself to navigate what comes next?

What if you brought more love,

more self-compassion, more wisdom, more faith

Consider one small choice that is available to you, one way to respond that reflects who you want to be

And allow that possibility to take shape in your mind

Step 5: Affirm

Step Five: Give your new understanding a voice

Whatever words that come to you, allow that affirmation to be yours

And with a nice deep cleansing breath, I invite you to open your eyes as we move to our affirmation together

Closing Affirmation

The affirmation is on the screen. And with that love in your heart, with that inner peace, with that self-compassion, I invite you to affirm this with me. Together: I listen with an open heart, choose with wisdom, and move forward in faith. I am free to create new possibilities in my life. And so it is.