Let’s take what we’ve learned so far and apply it to a real-life scenario. Remember to monitor your emotions when reading this. The goal is to be the self-observer to analyze your reactions. If you become reactive, pause and go to the last step.

The trigger: John didn’t send the class recap from last week.

My intention: To send a recap by Monday

• Therefore, John feels bad because he is not self-reliable
• If I had communicated that intention to you I am not reliable to you
• If you emailed me to ask for a recap and I didn’t respond in a timely manner, I am not reliable or accountable.

Making amends: “I apologize for not sending the recap earlier.”

• This demonstrates accountability to myself and others. The quicker it is offered, the better.
• No story about why – keeping my boundaries about this situation around the data, not the story. The story is an attempt to make me feel better because I don’t have self-forgiveness. This strengthens accountability.
• No trying to convince you that you should feel sorry for me for the busy week I had. No trying to blame the email gods for not sending the email or redirecting it to your spam folder. No trying to soften the blow. No putting the accountability on someone/something else. (hint: integrity)
• Just the apology.

Making Amends – part 2 – reiterating promise: “My intention is to send the recap by Monday”

• Establishing the intention to repair reliable and create accountability for you and for myself
• This may be important in a professional relationship (manager-staff, consultant-client)
• This may be important for a personal relationship (partner-partner, parent-child, friend-friend)

Questions:

1. How do you feel about me now that I’ve apologized and reiterated my intention?
   • Compassion for John and no concern for the future
   • Thankful for the apology
   • Ok, and we’ll see…
   • Whatever, he’s always late
   • I can no longer be in this class
2. How does your feeling on the forgiveness spectrum affect you… your relationships, your motivation, your health, your experience of the class, your feeling about yourself?
3. How do the actions of John mirror your own actions? Ask yourself, “How (or when) am I like that?”

Now, put yourself in the “trigger seat.” Recall a scenario where something you did or said (or didn’t) that activated a trigger in yourself or someone else.

The last step

When you are finished, do a heart-coherence meditation. If you become triggered by this exercise of analyzing a trigger, then put it aside and do a heart-coherence meditation.

Leave a comment below with questions, thoughts, or results.